terrifying ignorance

I have been more or less glued to the BBC news website over the last 2 days, watching sections of our society break down with no semblance of law and order.  Normally I don't get very affected by the news, I tend to employ my doctor emotional detatchment skills (rightly or wrongly), but the riots have really upset me.  This is probably partly because I am pregnant again, and rather emotional all the time, but also it seems like the kind of thing that ought to be happening somewhere else, not in England, especially my home city of Liverpool.  It's also just so sad to see people terrified, people losing everything and people dying for no particular reason that I can fathom.  These things would almost seem more understandable if there was at least a reason, an actual protest about something that degenerates into violence is easier to understand than just sheer destruction and looting because people think they can get away with it.

The most terrifying thing about the whole situation for me has been listening to the one or two snatched interviews with "rioters" on the BBC website, found here and here.  The young people interviewed betray a shocking lack of any moral compass at all or even any logical train of thought.  Eg. "it's all about the govenment isn't it - the Conservatives whoever they are, it's all about showing the police we can do what we want."  Or the young men who claimed that young girls looting was wrong, if someone broke into their own house that would be wrong, but for them to be looting was ok - well not ok, but they were going to do it anyway, it was the government's fault because they couldn't stop them.  There was no real anger here, not even any clear idea of who they were rebelling against, no justification at all, but just a sense that if nobody would stop them, they would do whatever the hell they liked.  I found it chilling to listen and to think - has anyone ever even spent half an hour one on one with this child, teaching them about personal responsibility, or what society is, or any kind of empathy, or even how to think about something?  Or did they just decide not to listen?  I do believe that there is "a darkness in the heart of man", as Geoff blogged about here, and I do believe that those involved in the rioting should take the full consequences of their actions - any attempt to exonerate people because they come from a deprived background seems misguided, but listening to these kids made me wonder - how can so many people be growing up to think (or rather not think) like this?

Skip to my Lou

For various reasons, I have recently been trying a bit more seriously to lose some weight, and have succeeded in so far getting 9lb off since Christmas.  I am now back to pre-mr moo weight (only took me 2 and a quarter years!)  Inevitably this has involved getting more active.  It's surprising how hard it can be to exercise with a toddler around - the buggy is now protested against most of the time, so I can't do a brisk long walk very often - more a slow short walk while restraining a small person with one hand, and with regular breaks to look at stuff like other people's gardens, snails, diggers etc.  Swimming - well that involves me standing in one spot while mr moo "swims" and I hold onto him, exercise DVDs cause boredom before we've got through the warm up, jogging...well jogging has never happened and probably never will.  So recently I've taken up skipping.  Apart from the obvious disadvantage of looking a little like I'm about to put pigtails in my hair and break out into some kind of rhyme about banana splits or double dutch, I think it may be the perfect exercise for mums of toddlers.  The rope cost me a grand total of £2.99 for one thing, so the cost per use will hopefully be pretty low.  The exercise itself is very high intensity so quite an efficient use of time - currently doing 60 jumps at a rapid rate will have me panting for about 3 minutes, although hopefully that will improve.  The skipping rope can easily be put down to go and retrieve a ball, break up a fight, wipe a nose etc and picked up again 2 minutes later.  The best advantage of all, though, is that the skipping rope can easily be used in the playground, the garden, my consulting room at work when my patient is late, etc etc.  I started off with a mum friend in our local park playground while the boys played together and we took it in turns to skip and run around after them.  It worked really well - I can see us starting a craze.  Maybe it can become the latest "yummy mummy" thing to do and I can work out some way to sell super stylish skipping ropes and motivational DVDs and somehow make my millions.  Or maybe the whole schoolgirl with pigtails image is just too much to get over?

Updates

Despite feeling I haven't got time in my life for even just the jobs that keep the house running, I have managed to find a little time (when I should be going to sleep but mr me is away) to update my blog a little. There has been a rather long pause in my posting, so thought I would list the "headlines" that have changed in my life since 2009.

• Baby blue is not really a baby now - he will be 2 next month! Can't believe how big he is and how much he has changed - of course this is quite predictable, but I still can't believe it. For this reason I shall have to change his name on the blog to either mr moo or the noodle. Mr moo possibly expresses him better, but may be easily confused with mr me? Will maybe try both and see how it goes.

• I finally finished my GP training in May, after much tribulation and stress over the winter. I now work 2 and a half days per week at a practice 12 minutes drive from my house which was one of my training practices. Some days I enjoy all of it, most days I enjoy some of it.

• I am busy. Busy, busy, busy. I spend a lot of time trying to streamline my life so I save time for myself. But better not talk too much about this or I'll start whingeing.

• I have developed an addiction to charity and vintage shopping. My favourite recent purchase was a vintage dark blue chiffon evening dress with hand beading around waist and hips. I wore it to our church ball recently and felt fabulous.

• I have discovered how much fun having a toddler can be. Before having mr moo, I worried that I only really wanted a tiny baby and then would want to give it back.

• I have also discovered how draining having a toddler can be. Sometimes I feel like an expert diplomat combined with a disciplinarian. Spend a lot of time not managing to finish a sentence without having to break up a scuffle, wipe a nose, prevent an injury or perform "bumping along on the little red tractor" again.

Well that's all the news I can think of right now. I'd better go to bed, as mr moo is still on British Summer Time.

The first cut is the deepest

Today I took baby blue for his first haircut. He's not so much of a baby any more now that he's nearly 2, and I was afraid that this day would make him even less of one. I have in fact been putting it off for weeks, or rather months while mr me periodically said "he really needs a haircut now." This week I finally promised I would go, after baby blue had been mistaken for a girl several times.

I spent yesterday evening frantically taking photos, trying to capture the head of golden spiralling slightly out-of-control curls. Woke up today with a feeling of dread that I'd end the day with a short haired grown up boy. I was grateful to find the hairdressers was a small salon with only one stylist and no other customers. I was even more grateful when the kind young mum-of-two salon owner said "oh...look at his hair! you don't want it too short do you?"

Baby blue decided that nestled against my chest was the optimum position for a haircut, I was OK with that, and the wispy curls didn't take long to trim. Having thought I would have to lie down and take sedatives for the rest of the day, I was pleasantly surprised by the results. He still looks like a toddler, but slightly tidier and more male. I do miss the curls, but have kept a couple for sentimental purposes.

Baby Blue greets his adoring public

I have decided that I should become a nomad and live in an extended family community. Actually this is not true. But over the last week I have been sorely tempted. We spent 3 days back in Liverpool, where both my parents and my in laws live, over the Easter weekend. Baby blue behaved like a little cherub almost the whole time. There were lots of new things to look at, dribble on and put into his mouth. There were scores of people desperate to be the next one to cuddle him, play with him, show him the flowers in their gardens and put him back to sleep. I love that he is so sociable and happy to be passed around (until the separation anxiety kicks in in a few months' time), but I am slightly distressed that everybody now thinks he is a fantastically easy baby and I am generally moaning about nothing when I complain that he can be clingy, bored and grumpy.

Since coming home, obviously, he has been clingy, bored and grumpy. But to be fair to the boy, I've had some empathy training over the last few days. I've had a nasty infection in the gum over my impacted wisdom tooth, and it's surprising just how grumpy a bit of toothache can make you. He's been a lot more settled today, probably because I didn't stop moving - 10am coffee at a friend's house, followed by Ikea and lunch there, followed by another coffee in Borders with another friend, followed by the doctors' and the pharmacy. He just likes new places. Maybe he's going to be an explorer...

doctor/woman/mother

I've taken a long time to get around to this post, and I'm still not quite sure what to say. Everything sounds like such a cliche. On 29th November 2008 I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy after 53 hours of contractions and 17 hours of established labour. I didn't realise just how exhausting, painful and draining it would be. Classically though, as soon as I heard his cry and knew he was OK, everything else was forgotten in the wonder of meeting our surprisingly clean, deliciously warm baby boy with his huge dark blue eyes. I think I shall here call him baby blue, as that's one of my many nicknames for him. He has changed our lives forever, of course, as babies do. We are both head over heels in love with him and can spend hours just watching his face. He can get me up four times in the night (as he did last night), leaving me totally exhausted and grumpy in the morning, but one big smile as I get him dressed melts my heart completely.

Some things have been (and still are) so hard, including the slow torture of sleep deprivation, both me and baby blue getting the hang of breastfeeding, getting used to the changes in my body, the sheer insane wash of emotions that swept over me in the first couple of weeks... I found the huge shift in my identity and thought processes a bit of a shock, as I got accustomed to being a life support machine and being tied so closely to this tiny dependent demanding little person. At the moment being a doctor seems so far away, and even remembering to be a woman requires a little focus and time to myself. Mostly I'm just a new mum - worrying about doing everything just right, fighting to get myself enough rest and down time, overcome by this new love, and convinced that this little boy is the most perfect in the world. I am desperate to just have a bit more predictability to my life, and to be able to leave him for a few hours, and simultaneously aware that I should savour every second of this time, which will never come again. So forgive me if I don't post very often, but I'll try to keep you a little bit updated. But mostly I'll be wrapped up in my son for a while...

a new adventure

I've been thinking about how to write this post for a long long time now. Far too long in fact, and I don't blame everyone if they've given up on me and assumed I've gone back to live entirely in the real world. I have some exciting news that has been rather too long delayed...

I am enceinte, gravid, expectant and fecund. I am with child. I have one in the oven. I am knocked up, in the family way and up the duff. In fact, we are going to have a baby in December.

My reasons for not blogging so far may be poor, but I'll make my excuses anyway. For the first 12 weeks it was not public knowledge, I felt hideous and ill all the time, and I couldn't settle myself to believe I wouldn't have an early miscarriage til I'd seen the 12 week scan and knew everything was fine. If I had been able to blog about it during that time, I think I would have sounded rather morose and depressed about the whole thing. Pregnancy seemed to mainly involve vomiting, having no energy to spare for anything but work, and being told lots of things I shouldn't do. None of it really felt real, even though we'd been wanting a baby for some time.

Since then I don't have such a good excuse, except that suddenly it all became very hard to encapsulate into words. Also I have been going to bed uncommonly early, due to feeling wiped out after a day at work, whereas late at night was when I usually used to blog. However, I had a week of leave last week, during which I slowed down enough to look at clouds, lie in bed feeling my growing bump, and think about things a little bit again. I also felt the baby moving for the first time, like a fluttering inside me, or like the feeling that I've just left my stomach behind on a rollercoaster. The bonding has been a bit slow to get started, but suddenly I'm really genuinely excited, and starting to feel how strong my love is for the tiny scrap of a thing growing inside me. So I thought it was about time I shared my news with you. Forgive me for taking so long.

a small post squeezed past the bloggers block

So I passed my exam! In theory, this might mean I never have to take another one! Sooner or later, I'm sure I'll crack and need to do some course or other that gives me more validation of my intelligence. But that might not be for a long time... All I have to do now is complete 9 more months of training and do some online assessments with my trainer. And then I will be an independent GP! which is actually a bit of a scarey thought.

I feel like I should feel more elated than I do. At the moment I feel a bit flat and anti-climactic. But hopefully soon it will sink in what this really means. Apologies for the lack of promised more regular blogging. Hopefully some inspiration will strike me soon.

where i am now

Right now I am sitting at the computer in our small, messy front bedroom that we use as a study. I am partly wishing I had the time and energy to sort through all the notes and paperwork in this room, but just now, I don't. The blinds are still open and I can see the deep blue not-quite-dark-yet sky, and hear the boys who are still playing out on the street. I'm huddled in a hunched position with very poor posture, because I feel cold. I'm wearing a hoodie and jeans and my hair is in a mess. I know there are things that I must do, because I will feel better when they are done, but I feel too physically and mentally tired to do them.

Tomorrow I'm travelling to Croydon, because I'm sitting an exam there on Monday. If I pass it, it means I have all the exams necessary to become a member of the Royal College of GPs, and to complete my training scheme successfully in February 09. It means I can be free to just work and live for a while, see people, garden, sort out the papers in this room, enjoy the summer etc. If I fail it, it means another six months of exam anxiety and work, another £1260 to pay, and I will spend our lovely 2 week holiday in Scotland in September working for the exam. It's a practical-type exam - I have to see 13 actors who are playing patients, communicate effectively, ethically and manage them well in the space of 10 minutes each. Quite stressful. I'm quite stressed. But I know I have worked for it.

Instead of typing this, I should be - checking my train times, and the frequency of the connexion across London, checking the exam details, putting a tendon hammer and tape measure into my doctor's bag, working out how to carry my suit without squashing it, packing my case, having a shower, doing my hair, calming my mind down, going to bed early.

I shall go and do these things now. I need to stay calm, but just now I feel numb and unreal. If you have a second, please pray for me or wish me luck. I'll let you know how it goes, and try to blog a little more regularly when it's over.

GP land forever

I'm back where I want to be. I've finished my last hospital job, and I'm now working part time at a practice, part time for a substance misuse service. No more nights. No more long weekend shifts. Today was my first full day of doing my own surgeries and visits, and I enjoyed it. There are still stresses, of course, and I still seem to be pretty busy with paperwork and learning and assessments. But I love the job really. I love working in a place where people feel comforted and listened to rather than scared and depersonalised. I love seeing people's homes, families, normal clothes and the progress of their lives. I love working in a place where all the staff make an effort to know your name and what you are like and you are treated as a person by your employers instead of some kind of slave shift drone. I love having a room and a doctor's bag and driving out on visits on a frosty bright day and organising my own time. My new trainer seems really encouraging and nice, and the drug/alcohol job is interesting and challenging. It's good to be back

A year of blogging

Today is my first blog birthday - a year since I sat down and made myself a new secret identity. (It's not very secret now - when I visited my parents' church in Liverpool at Christmas, a man I had never met before asked me if I was doctor/woman - think my mum must have been spreading the address about!) I have mostly really enjoyed blogging - it can be a bit of a self-absorbed occupation, but I am someone who naturally needs a lot of introspection and self-reflection. If I don't get time to think through and come to terms with what's going on in my life I tend to get stressed and emotional. I had got a bit that way this time last year, and I think that writing this has really helped me to get a bit unblocked and to get back in touch with my more creative, wondering, thoughtful side.

One advantage of a blog over a diary is that the fact that some other people read it makes you feel some obligation to keep it up, even if you don't feel much like it. Since living away from home I've never really successfully managed to keep up a diary without leaving very long gaps in it when I just got too busy to write. Another advantage, as I wrote in my first ever post, is that "if I ever manage to write something clever, someone might actually read it."

If you are somebody who keeps up with my blog, thanks for your interest in such mundane subjects as me being stressed at work (all the time) or what I did on my holidays. I hope that sometimes it gives you space to reflect and think too.

In other news, I am on nights again this week, and am just developing a cold, so I won't write more as I shall end up moaning. Roll on 4th Feb, when paeds will be over, I'll have done my exam, and I'll be heading away from shift work forever!!

A very merry weekend

After a hideously busy week on the postnatal ward in which I didn't manage to wake up on time one single morning, I had a lovely Christmassy weekend, despite the foul weather. On Friday night mr me had told me we were going out for the evening, which would be my Christmas present. He took me to see the Northern Ballet Theatre performing the Nutcracker, which I loved, and was very seasonal and beautiful, and I have been doing random bits of ballet ever since. It was very special that he went with me as well, since he has about as much interest in ballet as I have in cricket. His parents also came to stay the weekend, so on Saturday we went to get our tree from Whiteley's, a garden centre, which was basically a huge land of Christmas decorations. We spent the evening in decorating the tree, drinking mulled wine and eating popcorn and watching a film. Then on Sunday evening we had our church Christmas party, which was pretty good fun - we had a rip-off X-factor competition, and it is surprising how many talented singers and songwriters are hanging around in our church. It was a lovely weekend and I think I needed it to relax in. I didn't get much work done, but I've done 200 MCQ questions this evening, so I feel a bit more in control of that now.

misc

ok, so last night was not good. i had a bit of a brain mist and all the ward patients decided to get sick, mostly struggling to breathe, which tends to scare me. tonight so far is going a bit better following a shaky start.

at the moment i feel stressed. there are various reasons, but the most significant is that the GP training scheme i am on and have been for the last 2 years, has introduced a new system which involves jumping through a lot more hoops, most of them electronic assessments. i was managing to cope i thought, but discovered 2 days ago that i have to jump through a whole load of them before next Friday. which is not so easy to do when you're on nights. think this saturday might be devoted to studying and preparing for meetings, which is a bit sad. maybe i will manage some gardening or shopping as well.

in the morning i am going with mr me to pick up a van and then we are driving (or rather he is driving, i am sleeping in the passenger seat) to my parents' house in liverpool to pick up some furniture. it's an antique walnut veneer dressing table and mini wardrobe that i used to have in my bedroom throughout my childhood, and loved. we will put them in our (finally) redecorated bedroom and when we buy a new bed, we can move in there. i am so looking forward to having a dressing table again - at the moment my unnecessarily large collection of toiletries lives on top of a chest of drawers in the fitted wardrobe, and gets knocked around by the clothes hanging above it. i am temporarily obsessed by curtains bedding and lamps for the new room.

i miss my church. due to work, new york and visiting home, i've only been able to go one out of the last five sundays. it definitely has an impact on my state of mind. i start to feel isolated from friends, and more importantly, it affects my prayer life and relationship with God, which has a knock on effect on my general mental wellbeing.

i am looking forward to christmas, as i always do - i am a total child about loving christmas, but am slightly sad that i will need to revise for professional exams in january over the holidays. i have been quite efficient with my christmas shopping this year and have most of it done already.

i feel my brain needs a good clear out and i need some focus and organisation in my life. i feel like i'm writing myself a horoscope here. anyway, i shall go and attempt to tidy my brain.

sorry about the lack of capital letters. i'm not in the mood for them tonight.

falling in love with a skyline

So I think I've recovered enough from jet-lag, post-holiday stupor and complete inability to choose between which photos to post, to tell you a little bit about my trip to New York. I fell for Manhattan completely. I have the symptoms I used to get with a new infatuation with somebody - everything reminds me of them, a song, a movie, an image. Except that being New York, everything actually does remind me of it, because it is everywhere in movies, songs and imagery. The thing I loved most about it was the way you could be just walking along the street, watching your footing or looking in a shop window, when suddenly you'd look up and see this breathtaking skyline. From every angle and in every light it would look different, but it was beautiful in a way I hadn't really thought a city could be.


I travelled with a friend, C, who I've known the last 5 years at church. She shares with me a slightly irreverent sense of humour (important to have in church friends), and an ability to get excited about simple things. Like pancakes for breakfast, yellow cabs, rude joggers, cool pyjamas, seeing a spot from a film, every time we saw the Empire State Building, getting our makeup done at Bloomingdales, posing for stupid photos, getting dressed up... The list could go on. We were over-excited about everything, and kept making a new plan to fit everything into our days.

We shopped til we almost literally dropped in Macy's, Bloomies, Tiffanys, Victorias Secret, Abercrombie and Fitch, and cool little vintage and boutique-y type shops. We went out to see Les Miserables on Broadway, to 55 Bar in the Village, where we listened to live jazz and pretended we were cool, we saw a bit of the Halloween Parade, and a bit of the marathon going past. We saw a lot of the obvious sights - the Empire State, the Statue of Liberty, Grand Central Station, the Rockefeller Centre, the Brooklyn Bridge and a few of the less obvious ones, like the original Winnie-the-Pooh, the reading room at the New York Public Library, the Strawberry Fields garden for John Lennon, and the Guggenheim.

Some of the most memorable moments were just from seeing people living their normal lives, like stumbling across a kid's ice hockey game, overhearing couples arguing or walkers swearing at joggers in an uninhibited New York way, chatting to taxi drivers, watching a wheelchair athlete repair his bent wheel in the middle of the marathon or watching a family take a photo shoot of their kid on the Alice in Wonderland statue in the park.







I can't wait to go back and see the things we didn't manage to do. I'd like to go with mr me and see things in a different way. It was lovely to have a girly holiday, and shop without feeling guilty and annoying, and watch Breakfast at Tiffany's and When Harry met Sally as research, and get unreasonably excited about everything. But it's always wonderful to come home.

Nothingishness

I am struggling at the moment with this blog. I seem to only blog when I am doing nights. I also seem to spend a lot of time feeling melancholy when I'm on nights. Somehow I see the negative side of everything. Eg going to New York with a girlfriend is no longer an exciting adventure, but scarey and selfish, because I haven't been away without mr me abroad since we got married. When I finish nights tomorrow morning I will probably become suddenly euphoric - that is what normally happens.

I think I've also not been blogging much because I've had a bout of sciatica, and sitting on hard chairs at computers seemed to be particularly bad for it. It's feeling much better now, but I am starting to feel a little old with all the aches and pains I've had recently.

Life seems very busy at the moment. There seem to be a million things on my jobs list, which I am constantly revisiting in an attempt to feel in control of it. A lot of things are admin to do with my training scheme, and my MRCGP exams are starting to loom large on the horizons of my thought. I haven't had to seriously revise for anything since my finals, and it is a bit of a psychological barrier.

So this is a grumbly post! I apologise, and shall stop now, and go take a little rest before baby checks at 6.30am. Tonight is the night the clocks go back, so my 12 1/2 hour shift is 13 1/2 hours instead. I think this may be affecting my outlook a little.

my day out

I am currently enjoying (or when not ranting about the Inland Revenue, I'm enjoying) two weeks off, which are built into my rota after nights. Last week I went straight down to London following my night shift, to see a friend who needed some moral support the night before a professional exam, for various reasons. Also stayed with some other friends, and then spend a couple of days with my Grandpa in Hertfordshire. In the midst of all this visiting, I ended up with a daytime on my own in the capital, with no-one to see and nothing to do except enjoy myself. I enjoyed wandering around anonymously - I have a special weakness for that feeling of freedom that comes when nobody in the world knows exactly where you are and what you are doing. I had that feeling quite a lot during my year in halls, but not really much before or since. Of course I wouldn't like it if it happened all the time...

I was staying near the British Museum, so went to take a look at all the art and statues we have pinched from around the world. I was one day too early for the Terracota Army, but I've never seen the rest of the museum, so I spent a happy morning looking at mummies, sarcophagi, Greek gods and venetian clocks. I ate lunch at an outside table in a cafe in Russell Square Gardens, enjoying the sunlight scattered through the trees, and trying to look glamourous and sophisticated. Then I spent the afternoon at Camden Market being tempted by hand-painted masquerade type masks, Pashminas from Kashmir and Japanese T-shirts. In the end I resisted and just bought a vintage T shirt for mr me, and a lovely cup of chai rooibos tea for me. It was a good day. Sometimes it's good to be a tourist; sometimes it's good to be alone.

Nights

I haven't done proper night shifts for a whole year before this week. I did on calls in psychiatry, but they were 24 hour proper on calls that I did from home. There is a current shift from the previous pattern of doing 7 nights in a row of 12 hour shifts to splitting the week into a block of 4 and of 3 nights, which I think is much better, but the many things I hate, and few things I like about doing nights are coming back to me vividly.

I hate

• the constant nausea. especially when dealing with vomit, or the gunk on newborn babies, which was making me feel nauseous last night
• the loneliness. as a junior doctor at night, you are pretty much a lone ranger, you have a registrar, but often they go to bed, or in the case of this job, are busy on the neonatal unit. then there are the nurses, but often they are busy talking about things I don't understand, like off-duty. tonight they are having a bit of a rant about ward meetings and time owing. i don't blame them, but i cant' really join in. then i get home alone in the morning, and only see mr me when i wake up.
• the way my brain stops working. always disconcerting when mistakes are potentially serious. last night i mislabelled a blood bottle and mishandled my jobs list. tonight i feel a bit better because i slept during the day.
• the headaches, bowel disturbances, puffy eyes and general confusion about what day it is.
• the way i eat carbs constantly and put on lots of weight.
• the way i fall completely out of social circulation.
• the emotional lability. difficult patients, making mistakes, getting shouted at, death, extreme busyness can all become overwhelming. last night i cried just because i saw a baby born.
• waking up to find all the daylight hours have gone, i still feel rubbish, i have no awareness that any time has passed since i fell asleep, and i have to go to work in 2 hours. i know i shouldn't complain about this because a lot of people struggle to sleep during the day, but it is a bit depressing to find that the day has just vanished.

I quite like

• the random bits of time that i get to myself, for example the daytime before i start nights. i can't do anything too energetic, normally end up sleeping in and then pottering around sorting a few things out, but it is a kind of peaceful day.
• feeling useful. things you get called to on nights are more likely to be essential e.g. sick patients or deliveries. (doesn't always apply!)
• being able to say "that's a routine job, it can be sorted out in the daytime"
• learning. it's always a good time for learning because you are more likely to have to manage sick patients on your own, or do procedures. unfortunately the tiredness means i am quite likely to forget it again.
• feeling a bit special. always good for a bit of sympathy. you get excused from most daily tasks.
• having spare time to blog at work!

There seem to be quite a few things i like here, but this is misleading. The day in 6 months' time when I don't have to do nights any more will be a very happy day.

Sweetpea

I started paediatrics last Wednesday, and today was my first day working on the neonatal ward. The SHO mostly works doing baby checks for the one day old babies - making sure there are no abnormalities. I also have to attend delivery suite for all caesarian sections and deliveries where there is risk to the baby or foetal distress. Fortunately at the moment, a registrar is coming with me to the deliveries and teaching me how to resuscitate babies. But the babies are so beautiful!!! When you check for a cleft palate you put your little finger in the mouth. I felt very moved when one little baby started sucking on my finger. I am going to have to watch myself in this job, or I won't make it to the end of my training scheme! The registrar who is teaching me keeps calling all the babies and children "sweetpea", which I also think is very cute. That was it really. Extreme cuteness. Just wanted to share.

Disconnected things

I have a sore throat. I hope I am not getting ill.
My in-laws have been over today and we had a nice time. My mother-in-law was unable to stay out of the garden, so between us we got it tidied up quite a lot.
I am a bit worried about starting paediatrics on Wed. Haven't done any acute hospital medicine since this time last year.
I am currently on call, but haven't been called all day.
I was grumpy with mr me today for no particular reason.
My colleague who has become my friend is leaving Yorkshire tomorrow to take up a new post in the South. I will miss her lots.
The blind at the window is making my eyes go funny with its stripes.
Seeing pictures of myself on facebook keeps making me realise how much weight I have gained over the last couple of years.
Last weekend the friend that I secretly slightly idolise because of her willowy blonde-haired classic beauty got married to a soldier in uniform. It was a picture perfect wedding.
I have really enjoyed the friendships I have made in psychiatry. Felt that the people there were less driven, competitive, materialistic than a lot of doctors are.
I miss my mum a bit.
I am looking forward to the autumn. I hope it is a proper autumn and doesn't just continue to be wet.
I really have to go to bed.

a rest in the wild country

Mr me and I have returned today from a week in Northumberland with his family - ie his mum and dad, sister and sister's boyfriend. Fortunately I get on very well with the Me's (as they could be called), so except for a nasty cold at the beginning of the week, when I wasn't much company, we had a fun time together. Generally I am very relaxed with them and there's not much I feel I can't say in front of them.

Feel relaxed and chilled out now, but tired, as it seems to have been a surprisingly active week. There were leisure facilities on site, so we swam, trampolined and played tennis, as well as walking, playing beach cricket and horse-riding. All a bit drastic for me! But the peace of the setting and the general desertedness of the county have made me relaxed anyway.


We pottered around castles, wandered among rhodedendrons, marvelled at the steam rising like mist from the nearly empty beach, drank Lindesfarne mead and ate fish and chips by the sea. The horse-riding was very exciting too, as I've never done that before.



One of the best pleasures for me was the bookshop mr me took me to this morning before we came back. It is called Barter Books, it's in Alnwick and it occupies the whole of a redundant Victorian railway station. Apparently it's one of the largest second-hand bookshops in Europe. It has a minature train that travels around the top of the bookcases. It has loads of beautiful old books, folios and early editions. It has tea, coffee and chocolate for 25p a cup and lots of places to sit and enjoy it. I could have spent a week there quite happily. I bought - two tiny old volumes - 2 parts of translations of the story of the Holy Grail from the Morte d'Arthur ( I recently re-read "The Once and Future King", so I'm interested), Friday's Child by Georgette Heyer, Life isn't all ha ha hee hee by Meera Syal, A Passage to India by E M Forster and The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold. All for less than £20! I have that rich luxurious feeling I always have when I have several new books lined up.