Highs and lows

The best things about being pregnant:

• I have loved feeling the movements of the baby and how they remind me there's a whole other person inside me!
• I really really am going to have a baby!
• People telling me I look great (although suspect they may be just saying what you're supposed to say to pregnant women)
• A good excuse for resting, asking for help and generally doing what I want to.
• Lots of presents.
• Closeness to mr me and having him look after me.
• I've had quite a peaceful, placid state of mind since the end of the first trimester (most of the time).
• Amazement at what my body can really do.
• Constantly being offered chairs, waved across the road etc
  
• Finally the ultimate excuse for going into mothercare and cooing over booties.
• The prospect of a year off work.
• People's kindness in helping us out with all sorts of things.

And the worst things...

• How I felt for the whole of the first 3 months! (ie exhausted, nauseous, vomiting, emotional and a little depressed)
• People who feel it is socially acceptable to comment on your size, eg "aren't you big?" "how many have you got in there?" etc.
• Busybodies. Everybody has some advice to give, even if you show no sign of wanting it.
• Getting the same comments all the time. "I expect you're all ready now then aren't you?" NO! I'VE BOUGHT 3 BABYGROS AND THAT'S IT! I'M A TERRIBLE MOTHER! or "do you know what you're having? what do you think it will be?" ERM...A BABY PERHAPS?
• Symphysis pubis dysfunction. It's a nasty condition that gives you pelvic pain on certain movements, especially turning over in bed.
• Being tired all the time, and therefore less able to sort everything out and make a perfect nest like I want to.
• Heartburn. boo.
• Becoming suddenly unable to talk about anything else and worrying that I've turned into a baby bore.
• Fear of losing friends/ independence/social life etc.
• Fear of labour
• I've been weirdly inward looking, and haven't always felt as sociable as usual. Less urge to write this blog as well, leading to very infrequent posting - sorry.
  
• Having to think about everything I put in my mouth. Am seriously wanting 2 glasses of wine and a plate of sushi!
• Feeling that my body's not my own any more.

However, it will all be over soon and then my life will change forever...

When I was 26...

I was going to try to do this each year for my birthday. Oh well, I missed that slightly, but may as well fill you in on all the things I did for the first time last year...

...rode my first horse.

...resuscitated a newborn baby for the first time

...took my first trip to America.

...had my first ultrasound scan

...attended a 90th birthday party for the first time.

...had my first day at the races.

...took my first membership exams.

...danced with a soldier for the first time.

...bought my first proper makeup that cost more than £5 per item. In Bloomingdales!

...had my first midwife appointment.

...sanded a floor.

...had my first bout of sciatica.

...took my first yellow cab.

...bought my first tube of eye cream.

...went off chocolate!! (briefly)

...conceived our first child!

brief pause on a Sunday evening

...to feel sad about nothing...

...sad that another busy week has just sped past and another is on its way...

...to think about my friends, who seem to be going through some hard things recently...

...to ponder how I'll feel if I fail this exam on Wednesday, which I really think I might...I'm not good at doing failure...

...to hope that mr me is really ok, and not pretending to be ok because he knows I'm only just coping with myself, as usual...

...to wish it was the summer time and I was escaping to a cottage somewhere...

...to wish I spent less time wishing my life away...

...to think about the sermon today, and ask God to give me a servant heart...

...to count my blessings, which are many, including a husband who loves and supports me, a career that fulfils and stimulates me, friends and family who care about me, and all I need materially...

...to decide it really is time for bed, actually...

Exciting things about Autumn

Here is a cheery post to distract myself from the fact that I'm on nights again with a nasty cold. I love autumn. I was going to say it was my favourite season, which I think every autumn, but then every spring I think that is my favourite season as well, so it's hard to say.

• Autumn is a season of anticipation. There's a certain tang in the air, of bonfire smoke and crispy leaves, and frost to come that makes me think, "Bonfire night is coming/ cosy evenings are coming/ Christmas is coming!"

• Strictly come dancing is back on! I am deeply and worryingly obsessed with this. Generally I don't go in for celebrity/reality TV programmes, but I think this is the perfect Saturday night TV show. Of course, I've always loved dancing, so that's most of the attraction, but I also love the dresses, the drama, the glamour and watching someone fall in love with dancing. It seems to have slightly more value for me than things like "I'm a Celebrity", because the contestants are genuinely learning a skill that is difficult and rewarding, rather than just solely trying to revive their faltering careers (although a lot of them are doing that too.) Me and my sister are both into it, so get together and watch it at the weekend. Good excuse for a night in with a glass of wine.

• I'm going to New York at the end of the month. Another thing to anticipate this year. Am planning to morph miraculously into a glamourous Carrie-Bradshaw type person and wander the streets of Manhattan in high heels which will not hurt me at all, looking wistful and thinking profound thoughts. Or at least I am planning to do lots of shopping, sightseeing and have lots of fun.

• Winter coats! I love the day when I decide I need my winter coat out for the first time. It makes me feel dressed up, but wrapped up.

• Bright, frosty, clear blue mornings when the trees are golden, and the air bites. Preferably on a day when I can go for a long walk followed by a hot chocolate somewhere warm.

Nights

I haven't done proper night shifts for a whole year before this week. I did on calls in psychiatry, but they were 24 hour proper on calls that I did from home. There is a current shift from the previous pattern of doing 7 nights in a row of 12 hour shifts to splitting the week into a block of 4 and of 3 nights, which I think is much better, but the many things I hate, and few things I like about doing nights are coming back to me vividly.

I hate

• the constant nausea. especially when dealing with vomit, or the gunk on newborn babies, which was making me feel nauseous last night
• the loneliness. as a junior doctor at night, you are pretty much a lone ranger, you have a registrar, but often they go to bed, or in the case of this job, are busy on the neonatal unit. then there are the nurses, but often they are busy talking about things I don't understand, like off-duty. tonight they are having a bit of a rant about ward meetings and time owing. i don't blame them, but i cant' really join in. then i get home alone in the morning, and only see mr me when i wake up.
• the way my brain stops working. always disconcerting when mistakes are potentially serious. last night i mislabelled a blood bottle and mishandled my jobs list. tonight i feel a bit better because i slept during the day.
• the headaches, bowel disturbances, puffy eyes and general confusion about what day it is.
• the way i eat carbs constantly and put on lots of weight.
• the way i fall completely out of social circulation.
• the emotional lability. difficult patients, making mistakes, getting shouted at, death, extreme busyness can all become overwhelming. last night i cried just because i saw a baby born.
• waking up to find all the daylight hours have gone, i still feel rubbish, i have no awareness that any time has passed since i fell asleep, and i have to go to work in 2 hours. i know i shouldn't complain about this because a lot of people struggle to sleep during the day, but it is a bit depressing to find that the day has just vanished.

I quite like

• the random bits of time that i get to myself, for example the daytime before i start nights. i can't do anything too energetic, normally end up sleeping in and then pottering around sorting a few things out, but it is a kind of peaceful day.
• feeling useful. things you get called to on nights are more likely to be essential e.g. sick patients or deliveries. (doesn't always apply!)
• being able to say "that's a routine job, it can be sorted out in the daytime"
• learning. it's always a good time for learning because you are more likely to have to manage sick patients on your own, or do procedures. unfortunately the tiredness means i am quite likely to forget it again.
• feeling a bit special. always good for a bit of sympathy. you get excused from most daily tasks.
• having spare time to blog at work!

There seem to be quite a few things i like here, but this is misleading. The day in 6 months' time when I don't have to do nights any more will be a very happy day.

Exciting things about my birthday weekend

• mr me made me a programme (yes, an actual printed programme on pretty paper) of the things we were doing on my birthday. These were all fun things that I like to do.
  

• He bought me exciting breakfast in bed and red roses

• I got very large amounts of birthday money. Grandparents seem to give out more and more money as they get older.

• With this money I got a lovely silver and freshwater pearl necklace and a black wrap dress

• I wore these to go out to Sous Le Nez En Ville, which is a resturant I have heard about ever since moving to Yorkshire, but never been to before (it was as good as they said it was), and then to dance to live soul music at the Wardrobe.

• 5 friends saved my life by helping me prepare food for my barbeque when I was not feeling well enough to do it myself.

• About 30 friends came, bringing much food, and children, and now my garden feels like a proper garden that has been christened.

When I was 25...

Most years around the time of my birthday, I like to record all the new experiences I've had that year. There are normally more than you expect there to be. Well it was my birthday on Saturday, so here goes.

This year I...

...bought my first house

...had my first sick note

...lived in someone's spare room for the first time

...found my first white hairs

...called my first ambulance

...broke my first bone

...started to love gardening

...ran my first GP surgery

...made my first really close friend from another culture

...bought my first wedding hat

...started my first blog!