Back to School

You probably know the feeling. It's a very specific, nostalgic, optimistic feeling that only happened on one day per year. I'm certain the retail industry know the feeling, and use it perenially to advertise something or other. The type of weather we've been having lately - still sunny but with a slight chilly edge to it - always brings it back to me so powerfully.

You wake up earlier than usual to the sound of your alarm (or your mum calling you). The air feels a bit colder than the day before, maybe there's some dew on the cars and grass outside. Your new unspoilt uniform is hanging up waiting (instead of on the floor where you usually keep your clothes). Your bag is already packed, containing pencils with unbroken leads, fresh virgin notebooks, maybe a new textbook, a new pen, set of compasses, a clean rubber. You leave the house knowing that you are on time, tidy, and haven't forgotten anything at all. You will have a new teacher, maybe new classmates, no-one will remember how sad and stupid you were last term, or how much you got into trouble, or the pointless argument you had. In fact you can feel yourself morphing into a whole new person... Everything will be different this year...

A few weeks ago I was feeling quite disillusioned with myself. I fairly often wish I was the type of person who got things done, followed things through, and stuck to the high standards I set myself. (This is despite the fact that I have met a few of these types of people and generally they are not any happier than me - probably the reverse, because their standards are even higher.) In the practical world of keeping the house clean, getting DIY done and doing my tax return, and also in the spiritual world of staying close to God, praying regularly, fixing my mind on things that are not of this world, I fall short so often.

As I was praying about this I remembered something which is one of the most beautiful and releasing things about the Christian faith - whenever we ask, God can give us a new beginning. Through Jesus death, which paid for all of our messes, sins, mistakes and hurts, we can have a fresh start a thousand times a day if we need it. When we are forgiven, God looks at us and sees the righteousness of His Son. The tricky bit is remembering to use this amazing freedom. When I do, it's like every day is the first day of term...

I can't sleep and...

i am wishing that i didn't have to live life in chronological order. imagine if you woke up every day not knowing what part of your life that day would come from. i could wake up with butterflies in my stomach and think "fantastic - i must be just falling in love with mr me - there will be some perfect kissing today." one day i might have lost the use of my legs, and the next day discover i was 9 again, and spend the whole day running and dancing around. i might spend a day caring for baby blue through the chicken pox and be up all night with him, and the next day be 15 again and i could give my mum a big hug of appreciation for all the time she spent caring for me instead of wishing she wouldn't embarrass me. i might work a 12 hour shift in A+E and the next day wake up to find i had retired, and spend the whole day resting, reading, walking by a lake. i might be one day a widow, and the next be back with mr me, and greet him as if we'd been separated by death for years. any day i woke up and baby blue was still a baby i would be so thrilled to hold him in my arms as he was my tiny baby again, and no matter how hard the day and night were i would treasure every second.

I suppose this idea is a little like the concept behind "The Time Traveller's Wife" - and shows the sheer joy and privilege of a single day with our loved ones. Somehow it is very hard to live in that joy when you know that tomorrow will be "just the same". But it never is exactly the same. Living in time is the enemy of valuing the moment. Anybody else fancy my idea of a mixed up life? i suppose it might be a little bit hard to ever get anything done...

When I was 26...

I was going to try to do this each year for my birthday. Oh well, I missed that slightly, but may as well fill you in on all the things I did for the first time last year...

...rode my first horse.

...resuscitated a newborn baby for the first time

...took my first trip to America.

...had my first ultrasound scan

...attended a 90th birthday party for the first time.

...had my first day at the races.

...took my first membership exams.

...danced with a soldier for the first time.

...bought my first proper makeup that cost more than £5 per item. In Bloomingdales!

...had my first midwife appointment.

...sanded a floor.

...had my first bout of sciatica.

...took my first yellow cab.

...bought my first tube of eye cream.

...went off chocolate!! (briefly)

...conceived our first child!

The marriage meme

I stole this meme from Charlotte, who did it for Valentine's Day. I'm a bit late, but never mind. Here is the history of my marriage, without which I know I wouldn't be as happy as I am.

1. Where/how did you meet?

Technically we met at Christian festival Spring Harvest when we were both about 10 and our families were there together, but I think we first spoke when we met during sixth form. I was 16, he was 17 and we went in a big group to watch Titanic at the cinema.

2. How long have you known each other?

That was January 1998 - so ten years!!!!!!!! scarey.

3. How long after you met did you start dating?

It was nine months later in September of that year, after much shyness, flirting and discovering that we had things in common. I had decided it wasn't a good idea to date someone who didn't share my faith, and at the time he wasn't a Christian. I started to really like him in April 98, and prayed for him for the next 5 months, until he became a Christian in Sept 98.

4. How long did you date before getting engaged?

We talked about it after 1 year, then got properly engaged after 2 years.

5. How long was your engagement?

Two years until mr me finished his degree in Birmingham.

6. How long have you been married?

5 years.

7. What is your anniversary?

6th July

8. How many people came to your wedding reception?

About 120

9. What kind of cake did you serve?

One tier fruit cake, two tiers sponge cake, if I remember rightly.

10. Where was your wedding?

We were married at St Mary's Grassendale, Liverpool, which was mr me's parish church, and was very lovely. Our reception was at the Bluecoat Arts Centre in the centre of Liverpool, which had a lovely walled garden in the middle of the city.

11. What did you serve for the meal?

It was a buffet with large joints of pork and beef, and salmon.

12. How many people were in your bridal party?

Mr me had two best men - his two best friends from primary school, and I had four bridesmaids - my sister, his sister, my best friend and another very good friend I had written to through all my teenage years.

13. Are you still friends with them?

yes.

14. Did your spouse cry during the wedding ceremony?

No, but I welled up walking down the aisle and seeing so many faces.

15. Most special moment of your wedding day?

Very hard to choose just one... leaving the house with my dad ...saying our vows was pretty amazing... having time to talk in the car on the way to the reception, and realising that we really really were married.

16. Any funny moments?

One of mr me's best friends mums tried to stuff confetti down his trousers on the way out at the end, traumatising him slightly! I went rather lightheaded when the hairdressers gave me a glass of champagne when I'd been sitting under the dryer for about 2 hours.

17. Any big disasters?

Apparently the cake got knocked over, but I didn't know about it til afterwards, as they managed to restore it to its former glory.

18. Where did you honeymoon?

A cute little cottage in Cornwall. We pootled along the coast and had cream teas and paddled. It was lovely.

19. For how long?

Two weeks.

20. If you were to do your wedding over, what would you change?

I would have more money now, so I would be able to have a few of the things we had to miss out on. But it was a lot of fun doing it all on a shoestring.

21. What side of the bed do you sleep on?

The right, so I can lie on his right shoulder when he hugs me. tis the law.

22. What size is your bed?

Double - the room's not really big enough for anything else. But we have a king-size quilt.

23. Greatest strength as a couple?

We have worked out ways to communicate and negotiate, so that we hardly ever argue in a painful way any more. We have a lot of strength from our shared faith, which gives us purpose, and helps us to gradually become better and better able to lay down our lives for each other.

24. Greatest challenge as a couple?

Like Charlotte - I'd say neither of us is very practical in a DIY kind of way.

25. Who literally pays the bills?

We both handle different ones. Recently I almost got us cut off by omitting to pay the phone bill for a very long time.

26. What is your song?

"Brown Eyed Girl", Van Morrison

27. What did you dance your first dance to?

"Let's stay together" by Al Green. Mr me had sworn we could only have music if I promised we didn't have to do a first dance, so I told everybody how important it was to him. However, his best men ignored him, and organised for the band to announce it, and up we had to go. That was another very special moment for me, cos I hadn't expected to get a first dance, and it was amazing. Also thought it was a pretty good choice of song, considering we didn't ask for it.

28. Describe your wedding dress?

My housemate made it for me. It was white dupion silk, just off the shoulder with a V neck and a V waist and an A line skirt. The top was boned and had an embroidered panel down the front.

29. What kind of flowers did you have at your wedding?

White roses for the bridesmaids and I had white roses with purple other things mixed in. And pretty little ones that I think are called wax flowers in my hair.

30. Are your wedding bands engraved?

No. What a dull last question.

Best Moments #2

When I did a post on Best Moments #1 (trying to describe in detail one of the best moments of my life), mr me got a little upset that it didn't involve him. I had to explain that it was not of course my number one best moment of all time, but just the first one that I decided to describe. So I thought when trying another, it had better be one involving him. It is hard to choose from the very many beautiful and sometimes unbearably happy moments I have shared with him, even when I've excluded those that aren't really describable in public. So I decided to start with the first one ever. It is nearly 10 years ago now, which is very scarey!


I am walking the streets of Liverpool at night and the snow is falling gently. I am with mr me, but he is not mr me yet, not even my boyfriend, I have held a proper conversation with him today for the first time. It is April 1998 and we have come out of the cinema with my best friend and her then boyfriend to find it snowing totally out of the blue, so to speak. We have missed the last bus from our bus stop and had to walk more than a mile to the next. It is not a part of town we know well, and we are all enchanted to come across a snowy church and green. Our companions keep falling behind snogging and we are walking on ahead talking, and innocently amazed to find ourselves so in harmony about everything we talk of and our delight in the unexpected weather. It is not something I am used to - to talk to a boy like this, to click with him, to have him pay me tiny compliments. It has never happened to me in quite this way before. I am intoxicated and we walk on in our magical snowy world, in a glass snow dome bubble, outside of normal space and time.

When I was 25...

Most years around the time of my birthday, I like to record all the new experiences I've had that year. There are normally more than you expect there to be. Well it was my birthday on Saturday, so here goes.

This year I...

...bought my first house

...had my first sick note

...lived in someone's spare room for the first time

...found my first white hairs

...called my first ambulance

...broke my first bone

...started to love gardening

...ran my first GP surgery

...made my first really close friend from another culture

...bought my first wedding hat

...started my first blog!

Best Moments #1

It seems about time for a cheery post to fit in with the improving weather and to distract my mind from thoughts about cars. Thought it might be nice to periodically describe some of the best moments from my life. I was inspired by hearing Michael Jackson's "Black or White" on the radio yesterday morning and it triggered a vivid memory from last summer.

I am dancing in a circle full of girls some of whom I love very dearly, some of whom I met for the first time yesterday. It is a sweltering summer night, my body feels relaxed from spending the day in an outdoor swimming pool and a spa. I've had a glass of wine and am feeling hyper and part of a party. We are all dancing to "Black or White" and during the chorus we are all yelling as loud as we can over the music "it doesn't matter if you're CHINESE OR GINGER!" I look into the eyes of my best friend and see that she is also completely happy and that is because of me.

This was in fact my best friend's hen do last June. I was organising it, as the chief bridesmaid and a group of us spend the whole weekend at her parent's house in Birmingham. We had a Julie Andrews themed night in on the Friday, spent the Saturday at the pool and spa at the local Virgin Active gym and then went out dancing on the Saturday night. Everything had gone really well, the group had bonded, the weather was fantastic, and Best Friend seemed to have had a great time. My little surprises and organisational responsibilites were all over and all I had to do now was dance (which is one of my favourite things to do). Best Friend's groom-to-be is British Chinese and mr me is ginger, so one of the other girls started the new words to the song and it gave me this fantastic moment of togetherness and elation. Planning hen nights is the kind of thing I love to do because I love to surprise people and make them happy and I was so proud that I had managed to do it well.