Best Moments #2

When I did a post on Best Moments #1 (trying to describe in detail one of the best moments of my life), mr me got a little upset that it didn't involve him. I had to explain that it was not of course my number one best moment of all time, but just the first one that I decided to describe. So I thought when trying another, it had better be one involving him. It is hard to choose from the very many beautiful and sometimes unbearably happy moments I have shared with him, even when I've excluded those that aren't really describable in public. So I decided to start with the first one ever. It is nearly 10 years ago now, which is very scarey!


I am walking the streets of Liverpool at night and the snow is falling gently. I am with mr me, but he is not mr me yet, not even my boyfriend, I have held a proper conversation with him today for the first time. It is April 1998 and we have come out of the cinema with my best friend and her then boyfriend to find it snowing totally out of the blue, so to speak. We have missed the last bus from our bus stop and had to walk more than a mile to the next. It is not a part of town we know well, and we are all enchanted to come across a snowy church and green. Our companions keep falling behind snogging and we are walking on ahead talking, and innocently amazed to find ourselves so in harmony about everything we talk of and our delight in the unexpected weather. It is not something I am used to - to talk to a boy like this, to click with him, to have him pay me tiny compliments. It has never happened to me in quite this way before. I am intoxicated and we walk on in our magical snowy world, in a glass snow dome bubble, outside of normal space and time.

Nights

I haven't done proper night shifts for a whole year before this week. I did on calls in psychiatry, but they were 24 hour proper on calls that I did from home. There is a current shift from the previous pattern of doing 7 nights in a row of 12 hour shifts to splitting the week into a block of 4 and of 3 nights, which I think is much better, but the many things I hate, and few things I like about doing nights are coming back to me vividly.

I hate

• the constant nausea. especially when dealing with vomit, or the gunk on newborn babies, which was making me feel nauseous last night
• the loneliness. as a junior doctor at night, you are pretty much a lone ranger, you have a registrar, but often they go to bed, or in the case of this job, are busy on the neonatal unit. then there are the nurses, but often they are busy talking about things I don't understand, like off-duty. tonight they are having a bit of a rant about ward meetings and time owing. i don't blame them, but i cant' really join in. then i get home alone in the morning, and only see mr me when i wake up.
• the way my brain stops working. always disconcerting when mistakes are potentially serious. last night i mislabelled a blood bottle and mishandled my jobs list. tonight i feel a bit better because i slept during the day.
• the headaches, bowel disturbances, puffy eyes and general confusion about what day it is.
• the way i eat carbs constantly and put on lots of weight.
• the way i fall completely out of social circulation.
• the emotional lability. difficult patients, making mistakes, getting shouted at, death, extreme busyness can all become overwhelming. last night i cried just because i saw a baby born.
• waking up to find all the daylight hours have gone, i still feel rubbish, i have no awareness that any time has passed since i fell asleep, and i have to go to work in 2 hours. i know i shouldn't complain about this because a lot of people struggle to sleep during the day, but it is a bit depressing to find that the day has just vanished.

I quite like

• the random bits of time that i get to myself, for example the daytime before i start nights. i can't do anything too energetic, normally end up sleeping in and then pottering around sorting a few things out, but it is a kind of peaceful day.
• feeling useful. things you get called to on nights are more likely to be essential e.g. sick patients or deliveries. (doesn't always apply!)
• being able to say "that's a routine job, it can be sorted out in the daytime"
• learning. it's always a good time for learning because you are more likely to have to manage sick patients on your own, or do procedures. unfortunately the tiredness means i am quite likely to forget it again.
• feeling a bit special. always good for a bit of sympathy. you get excused from most daily tasks.
• having spare time to blog at work!

There seem to be quite a few things i like here, but this is misleading. The day in 6 months' time when I don't have to do nights any more will be a very happy day.

Why I love living here

Sweetpea

I started paediatrics last Wednesday, and today was my first day working on the neonatal ward. The SHO mostly works doing baby checks for the one day old babies - making sure there are no abnormalities. I also have to attend delivery suite for all caesarian sections and deliveries where there is risk to the baby or foetal distress. Fortunately at the moment, a registrar is coming with me to the deliveries and teaching me how to resuscitate babies. But the babies are so beautiful!!! When you check for a cleft palate you put your little finger in the mouth. I felt very moved when one little baby started sucking on my finger. I am going to have to watch myself in this job, or I won't make it to the end of my training scheme! The registrar who is teaching me keeps calling all the babies and children "sweetpea", which I also think is very cute. That was it really. Extreme cuteness. Just wanted to share.