brief pause on a Sunday evening

...to feel sad about nothing...

...sad that another busy week has just sped past and another is on its way...

...to think about my friends, who seem to be going through some hard things recently...

...to ponder how I'll feel if I fail this exam on Wednesday, which I really think I might...I'm not good at doing failure...

...to hope that mr me is really ok, and not pretending to be ok because he knows I'm only just coping with myself, as usual...

...to wish it was the summer time and I was escaping to a cottage somewhere...

...to wish I spent less time wishing my life away...

...to think about the sermon today, and ask God to give me a servant heart...

...to count my blessings, which are many, including a husband who loves and supports me, a career that fulfils and stimulates me, friends and family who care about me, and all I need materially...

...to decide it really is time for bed, actually...

Nocturnal Medidroid

the lonely robot
walks down the endless
dirty-green corridor
and dreams
in her robot subconscious
of the time when she was a girl
with a home and a husband and friends
instead of a nest, an alarm clock
and a hole in her heart.

No!
I have no heart
until I can be a girl again.

A year of blogging

Today is my first blog birthday - a year since I sat down and made myself a new secret identity. (It's not very secret now - when I visited my parents' church in Liverpool at Christmas, a man I had never met before asked me if I was doctor/woman - think my mum must have been spreading the address about!) I have mostly really enjoyed blogging - it can be a bit of a self-absorbed occupation, but I am someone who naturally needs a lot of introspection and self-reflection. If I don't get time to think through and come to terms with what's going on in my life I tend to get stressed and emotional. I had got a bit that way this time last year, and I think that writing this has really helped me to get a bit unblocked and to get back in touch with my more creative, wondering, thoughtful side.

One advantage of a blog over a diary is that the fact that some other people read it makes you feel some obligation to keep it up, even if you don't feel much like it. Since living away from home I've never really successfully managed to keep up a diary without leaving very long gaps in it when I just got too busy to write. Another advantage, as I wrote in my first ever post, is that "if I ever manage to write something clever, someone might actually read it."

If you are somebody who keeps up with my blog, thanks for your interest in such mundane subjects as me being stressed at work (all the time) or what I did on my holidays. I hope that sometimes it gives you space to reflect and think too.

In other news, I am on nights again this week, and am just developing a cold, so I won't write more as I shall end up moaning. Roll on 4th Feb, when paeds will be over, I'll have done my exam, and I'll be heading away from shift work forever!!