where i am now

Right now I am sitting at the computer in our small, messy front bedroom that we use as a study. I am partly wishing I had the time and energy to sort through all the notes and paperwork in this room, but just now, I don't. The blinds are still open and I can see the deep blue not-quite-dark-yet sky, and hear the boys who are still playing out on the street. I'm huddled in a hunched position with very poor posture, because I feel cold. I'm wearing a hoodie and jeans and my hair is in a mess. I know there are things that I must do, because I will feel better when they are done, but I feel too physically and mentally tired to do them.

Tomorrow I'm travelling to Croydon, because I'm sitting an exam there on Monday. If I pass it, it means I have all the exams necessary to become a member of the Royal College of GPs, and to complete my training scheme successfully in February 09. It means I can be free to just work and live for a while, see people, garden, sort out the papers in this room, enjoy the summer etc. If I fail it, it means another six months of exam anxiety and work, another £1260 to pay, and I will spend our lovely 2 week holiday in Scotland in September working for the exam. It's a practical-type exam - I have to see 13 actors who are playing patients, communicate effectively, ethically and manage them well in the space of 10 minutes each. Quite stressful. I'm quite stressed. But I know I have worked for it.

Instead of typing this, I should be - checking my train times, and the frequency of the connexion across London, checking the exam details, putting a tendon hammer and tape measure into my doctor's bag, working out how to carry my suit without squashing it, packing my case, having a shower, doing my hair, calming my mind down, going to bed early.

I shall go and do these things now. I need to stay calm, but just now I feel numb and unreal. If you have a second, please pray for me or wish me luck. I'll let you know how it goes, and try to blog a little more regularly when it's over.

glee

On Thursday and Friday last week, I had to visit two different hospitals where I used to work. One trip was to spend time with the substance misuse liason nurse, and the other to try and finish off an audit I was supposed to be doing during my last job. The whole process filled me with glee that I am no longer working in hosipitals.

"Ha ha ha," I thought to myself, as a very loud alarm (possibly the fire alarm - who knows?) went off for five minutes for no observable reason, making conversation almost impossible, but not causing anybody to stop their work. "Hee hee hee," I gleefully mused, as I listened to a stressed looking SHO have a 15 minute row down the phone with another SHO about a rota swap. (although obviously I was sorry for the poor bloke.) "Ho ho ho," I chuckled when I had to eat some form of cardboard in the oppressively decorated canteen. "Ha ha ha ha!" I felt like saying, when a consultant from my previous job tried to give me a rollicking about the fact that there are discharge summaries piling up to be done in the junior doctors' office, without realising that I had actually left and didn't work there any more.
Felt like telling him that now I work in a place where people actually treat me as a fellow professional rather than some kind of naughty lazy student who needs to be told what's what.

And in all the quiet moments on my own, walking down the corridor, or washing my hands in the skin-stripping soap, and especially in the car on the way home with the windows down, I was singing a little song... It was the tune of "Bread of Heaven/ you're not singing/ are you scotland in disguise", and it went, "I don't work here, I don't work here, I DON'T WORK HERE ANY MORE!!! (any more) I don't work here any more!"

The marriage meme

I stole this meme from Charlotte, who did it for Valentine's Day. I'm a bit late, but never mind. Here is the history of my marriage, without which I know I wouldn't be as happy as I am.

1. Where/how did you meet?

Technically we met at Christian festival Spring Harvest when we were both about 10 and our families were there together, but I think we first spoke when we met during sixth form. I was 16, he was 17 and we went in a big group to watch Titanic at the cinema.

2. How long have you known each other?

That was January 1998 - so ten years!!!!!!!! scarey.

3. How long after you met did you start dating?

It was nine months later in September of that year, after much shyness, flirting and discovering that we had things in common. I had decided it wasn't a good idea to date someone who didn't share my faith, and at the time he wasn't a Christian. I started to really like him in April 98, and prayed for him for the next 5 months, until he became a Christian in Sept 98.

4. How long did you date before getting engaged?

We talked about it after 1 year, then got properly engaged after 2 years.

5. How long was your engagement?

Two years until mr me finished his degree in Birmingham.

6. How long have you been married?

5 years.

7. What is your anniversary?

6th July

8. How many people came to your wedding reception?

About 120

9. What kind of cake did you serve?

One tier fruit cake, two tiers sponge cake, if I remember rightly.

10. Where was your wedding?

We were married at St Mary's Grassendale, Liverpool, which was mr me's parish church, and was very lovely. Our reception was at the Bluecoat Arts Centre in the centre of Liverpool, which had a lovely walled garden in the middle of the city.

11. What did you serve for the meal?

It was a buffet with large joints of pork and beef, and salmon.

12. How many people were in your bridal party?

Mr me had two best men - his two best friends from primary school, and I had four bridesmaids - my sister, his sister, my best friend and another very good friend I had written to through all my teenage years.

13. Are you still friends with them?

yes.

14. Did your spouse cry during the wedding ceremony?

No, but I welled up walking down the aisle and seeing so many faces.

15. Most special moment of your wedding day?

Very hard to choose just one... leaving the house with my dad ...saying our vows was pretty amazing... having time to talk in the car on the way to the reception, and realising that we really really were married.

16. Any funny moments?

One of mr me's best friends mums tried to stuff confetti down his trousers on the way out at the end, traumatising him slightly! I went rather lightheaded when the hairdressers gave me a glass of champagne when I'd been sitting under the dryer for about 2 hours.

17. Any big disasters?

Apparently the cake got knocked over, but I didn't know about it til afterwards, as they managed to restore it to its former glory.

18. Where did you honeymoon?

A cute little cottage in Cornwall. We pootled along the coast and had cream teas and paddled. It was lovely.

19. For how long?

Two weeks.

20. If you were to do your wedding over, what would you change?

I would have more money now, so I would be able to have a few of the things we had to miss out on. But it was a lot of fun doing it all on a shoestring.

21. What side of the bed do you sleep on?

The right, so I can lie on his right shoulder when he hugs me. tis the law.

22. What size is your bed?

Double - the room's not really big enough for anything else. But we have a king-size quilt.

23. Greatest strength as a couple?

We have worked out ways to communicate and negotiate, so that we hardly ever argue in a painful way any more. We have a lot of strength from our shared faith, which gives us purpose, and helps us to gradually become better and better able to lay down our lives for each other.

24. Greatest challenge as a couple?

Like Charlotte - I'd say neither of us is very practical in a DIY kind of way.

25. Who literally pays the bills?

We both handle different ones. Recently I almost got us cut off by omitting to pay the phone bill for a very long time.

26. What is your song?

"Brown Eyed Girl", Van Morrison

27. What did you dance your first dance to?

"Let's stay together" by Al Green. Mr me had sworn we could only have music if I promised we didn't have to do a first dance, so I told everybody how important it was to him. However, his best men ignored him, and organised for the band to announce it, and up we had to go. That was another very special moment for me, cos I hadn't expected to get a first dance, and it was amazing. Also thought it was a pretty good choice of song, considering we didn't ask for it.

28. Describe your wedding dress?

My housemate made it for me. It was white dupion silk, just off the shoulder with a V neck and a V waist and an A line skirt. The top was boned and had an embroidered panel down the front.

29. What kind of flowers did you have at your wedding?

White roses for the bridesmaids and I had white roses with purple other things mixed in. And pretty little ones that I think are called wax flowers in my hair.

30. Are your wedding bands engraved?

No. What a dull last question.

GP land forever

I'm back where I want to be. I've finished my last hospital job, and I'm now working part time at a practice, part time for a substance misuse service. No more nights. No more long weekend shifts. Today was my first full day of doing my own surgeries and visits, and I enjoyed it. There are still stresses, of course, and I still seem to be pretty busy with paperwork and learning and assessments. But I love the job really. I love working in a place where people feel comforted and listened to rather than scared and depersonalised. I love seeing people's homes, families, normal clothes and the progress of their lives. I love working in a place where all the staff make an effort to know your name and what you are like and you are treated as a person by your employers instead of some kind of slave shift drone. I love having a room and a doctor's bag and driving out on visits on a frosty bright day and organising my own time. My new trainer seems really encouraging and nice, and the drug/alcohol job is interesting and challenging. It's good to be back

brief pause on a Sunday evening

...to feel sad about nothing...

...sad that another busy week has just sped past and another is on its way...

...to think about my friends, who seem to be going through some hard things recently...

...to ponder how I'll feel if I fail this exam on Wednesday, which I really think I might...I'm not good at doing failure...

...to hope that mr me is really ok, and not pretending to be ok because he knows I'm only just coping with myself, as usual...

...to wish it was the summer time and I was escaping to a cottage somewhere...

...to wish I spent less time wishing my life away...

...to think about the sermon today, and ask God to give me a servant heart...

...to count my blessings, which are many, including a husband who loves and supports me, a career that fulfils and stimulates me, friends and family who care about me, and all I need materially...

...to decide it really is time for bed, actually...

Nocturnal Medidroid

the lonely robot
walks down the endless
dirty-green corridor
and dreams
in her robot subconscious
of the time when she was a girl
with a home and a husband and friends
instead of a nest, an alarm clock
and a hole in her heart.

No!
I have no heart
until I can be a girl again.

A year of blogging

Today is my first blog birthday - a year since I sat down and made myself a new secret identity. (It's not very secret now - when I visited my parents' church in Liverpool at Christmas, a man I had never met before asked me if I was doctor/woman - think my mum must have been spreading the address about!) I have mostly really enjoyed blogging - it can be a bit of a self-absorbed occupation, but I am someone who naturally needs a lot of introspection and self-reflection. If I don't get time to think through and come to terms with what's going on in my life I tend to get stressed and emotional. I had got a bit that way this time last year, and I think that writing this has really helped me to get a bit unblocked and to get back in touch with my more creative, wondering, thoughtful side.

One advantage of a blog over a diary is that the fact that some other people read it makes you feel some obligation to keep it up, even if you don't feel much like it. Since living away from home I've never really successfully managed to keep up a diary without leaving very long gaps in it when I just got too busy to write. Another advantage, as I wrote in my first ever post, is that "if I ever manage to write something clever, someone might actually read it."

If you are somebody who keeps up with my blog, thanks for your interest in such mundane subjects as me being stressed at work (all the time) or what I did on my holidays. I hope that sometimes it gives you space to reflect and think too.

In other news, I am on nights again this week, and am just developing a cold, so I won't write more as I shall end up moaning. Roll on 4th Feb, when paeds will be over, I'll have done my exam, and I'll be heading away from shift work forever!!