where i am now

Right now I am sitting at the computer in our small, messy front bedroom that we use as a study. I am partly wishing I had the time and energy to sort through all the notes and paperwork in this room, but just now, I don't. The blinds are still open and I can see the deep blue not-quite-dark-yet sky, and hear the boys who are still playing out on the street. I'm huddled in a hunched position with very poor posture, because I feel cold. I'm wearing a hoodie and jeans and my hair is in a mess. I know there are things that I must do, because I will feel better when they are done, but I feel too physically and mentally tired to do them.

Tomorrow I'm travelling to Croydon, because I'm sitting an exam there on Monday. If I pass it, it means I have all the exams necessary to become a member of the Royal College of GPs, and to complete my training scheme successfully in February 09. It means I can be free to just work and live for a while, see people, garden, sort out the papers in this room, enjoy the summer etc. If I fail it, it means another six months of exam anxiety and work, another £1260 to pay, and I will spend our lovely 2 week holiday in Scotland in September working for the exam. It's a practical-type exam - I have to see 13 actors who are playing patients, communicate effectively, ethically and manage them well in the space of 10 minutes each. Quite stressful. I'm quite stressed. But I know I have worked for it.

Instead of typing this, I should be - checking my train times, and the frequency of the connexion across London, checking the exam details, putting a tendon hammer and tape measure into my doctor's bag, working out how to carry my suit without squashing it, packing my case, having a shower, doing my hair, calming my mind down, going to bed early.

I shall go and do these things now. I need to stay calm, but just now I feel numb and unreal. If you have a second, please pray for me or wish me luck. I'll let you know how it goes, and try to blog a little more regularly when it's over.