doctor/woman/mother

I've taken a long time to get around to this post, and I'm still not quite sure what to say. Everything sounds like such a cliche. On 29th November 2008 I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy after 53 hours of contractions and 17 hours of established labour. I didn't realise just how exhausting, painful and draining it would be. Classically though, as soon as I heard his cry and knew he was OK, everything else was forgotten in the wonder of meeting our surprisingly clean, deliciously warm baby boy with his huge dark blue eyes. I think I shall here call him baby blue, as that's one of my many nicknames for him. He has changed our lives forever, of course, as babies do. We are both head over heels in love with him and can spend hours just watching his face. He can get me up four times in the night (as he did last night), leaving me totally exhausted and grumpy in the morning, but one big smile as I get him dressed melts my heart completely.

Some things have been (and still are) so hard, including the slow torture of sleep deprivation, both me and baby blue getting the hang of breastfeeding, getting used to the changes in my body, the sheer insane wash of emotions that swept over me in the first couple of weeks... I found the huge shift in my identity and thought processes a bit of a shock, as I got accustomed to being a life support machine and being tied so closely to this tiny dependent demanding little person. At the moment being a doctor seems so far away, and even remembering to be a woman requires a little focus and time to myself. Mostly I'm just a new mum - worrying about doing everything just right, fighting to get myself enough rest and down time, overcome by this new love, and convinced that this little boy is the most perfect in the world. I am desperate to just have a bit more predictability to my life, and to be able to leave him for a few hours, and simultaneously aware that I should savour every second of this time, which will never come again. So forgive me if I don't post very often, but I'll try to keep you a little bit updated. But mostly I'll be wrapped up in my son for a while...

Highs and lows

The best things about being pregnant:

• I have loved feeling the movements of the baby and how they remind me there's a whole other person inside me!
• I really really am going to have a baby!
• People telling me I look great (although suspect they may be just saying what you're supposed to say to pregnant women)
• A good excuse for resting, asking for help and generally doing what I want to.
• Lots of presents.
• Closeness to mr me and having him look after me.
• I've had quite a peaceful, placid state of mind since the end of the first trimester (most of the time).
• Amazement at what my body can really do.
• Constantly being offered chairs, waved across the road etc
  
• Finally the ultimate excuse for going into mothercare and cooing over booties.
• The prospect of a year off work.
• People's kindness in helping us out with all sorts of things.

And the worst things...

• How I felt for the whole of the first 3 months! (ie exhausted, nauseous, vomiting, emotional and a little depressed)
• People who feel it is socially acceptable to comment on your size, eg "aren't you big?" "how many have you got in there?" etc.
• Busybodies. Everybody has some advice to give, even if you show no sign of wanting it.
• Getting the same comments all the time. "I expect you're all ready now then aren't you?" NO! I'VE BOUGHT 3 BABYGROS AND THAT'S IT! I'M A TERRIBLE MOTHER! or "do you know what you're having? what do you think it will be?" ERM...A BABY PERHAPS?
• Symphysis pubis dysfunction. It's a nasty condition that gives you pelvic pain on certain movements, especially turning over in bed.
• Being tired all the time, and therefore less able to sort everything out and make a perfect nest like I want to.
• Heartburn. boo.
• Becoming suddenly unable to talk about anything else and worrying that I've turned into a baby bore.
• Fear of losing friends/ independence/social life etc.
• Fear of labour
• I've been weirdly inward looking, and haven't always felt as sociable as usual. Less urge to write this blog as well, leading to very infrequent posting - sorry.
  
• Having to think about everything I put in my mouth. Am seriously wanting 2 glasses of wine and a plate of sushi!
• Feeling that my body's not my own any more.

However, it will all be over soon and then my life will change forever...

After two years of work...

The garden when we bought the house in 2006...


And today, after much work by myself and help from friends and family. I think it's not too bad for a girl who never lived in a house with a garden before!

Pluto?

Interesting conversation occurred at coffee time in the doctors' room today. There were 4 male GP partners and myself in the room, and 2 of them were having a long and involved conversation about the practice nurses, and problems that keep erupting with them and communication issues. Here is how it went:-

Partner 1: "What you've got to remember is that men are from Mars, women are from Venus..."

Partner 2: (pantomiming a secret nod towards me) "Careful, there's one in the room. And she's got pregnancy hormones...watch out!"

Partner 1: "No that doesn't count; she's a doctor."

***************************

So where am I from? I'm confused.

When I was 26...

I was going to try to do this each year for my birthday. Oh well, I missed that slightly, but may as well fill you in on all the things I did for the first time last year...

...rode my first horse.

...resuscitated a newborn baby for the first time

...took my first trip to America.

...had my first ultrasound scan

...attended a 90th birthday party for the first time.

...had my first day at the races.

...took my first membership exams.

...danced with a soldier for the first time.

...bought my first proper makeup that cost more than £5 per item. In Bloomingdales!

...had my first midwife appointment.

...sanded a floor.

...had my first bout of sciatica.

...took my first yellow cab.

...bought my first tube of eye cream.

...went off chocolate!! (briefly)

...conceived our first child!

a new adventure

I've been thinking about how to write this post for a long long time now. Far too long in fact, and I don't blame everyone if they've given up on me and assumed I've gone back to live entirely in the real world. I have some exciting news that has been rather too long delayed...

I am enceinte, gravid, expectant and fecund. I am with child. I have one in the oven. I am knocked up, in the family way and up the duff. In fact, we are going to have a baby in December.

My reasons for not blogging so far may be poor, but I'll make my excuses anyway. For the first 12 weeks it was not public knowledge, I felt hideous and ill all the time, and I couldn't settle myself to believe I wouldn't have an early miscarriage til I'd seen the 12 week scan and knew everything was fine. If I had been able to blog about it during that time, I think I would have sounded rather morose and depressed about the whole thing. Pregnancy seemed to mainly involve vomiting, having no energy to spare for anything but work, and being told lots of things I shouldn't do. None of it really felt real, even though we'd been wanting a baby for some time.

Since then I don't have such a good excuse, except that suddenly it all became very hard to encapsulate into words. Also I have been going to bed uncommonly early, due to feeling wiped out after a day at work, whereas late at night was when I usually used to blog. However, I had a week of leave last week, during which I slowed down enough to look at clouds, lie in bed feeling my growing bump, and think about things a little bit again. I also felt the baby moving for the first time, like a fluttering inside me, or like the feeling that I've just left my stomach behind on a rollercoaster. The bonding has been a bit slow to get started, but suddenly I'm really genuinely excited, and starting to feel how strong my love is for the tiny scrap of a thing growing inside me. So I thought it was about time I shared my news with you. Forgive me for taking so long.

a small post squeezed past the bloggers block

So I passed my exam! In theory, this might mean I never have to take another one! Sooner or later, I'm sure I'll crack and need to do some course or other that gives me more validation of my intelligence. But that might not be for a long time... All I have to do now is complete 9 more months of training and do some online assessments with my trainer. And then I will be an independent GP! which is actually a bit of a scarey thought.

I feel like I should feel more elated than I do. At the moment I feel a bit flat and anti-climactic. But hopefully soon it will sink in what this really means. Apologies for the lack of promised more regular blogging. Hopefully some inspiration will strike me soon.